SWINE "FLU"KE

DA....DA......DATS ALL FOLKS stammers away the cute and adorable Porky Pig after a Looney toons show and we croon in delight on seeing the roly -poly pig created by Warner Bros.
But since the last month any discussion about pigs could land you into serious soup....The cuss word "SWINE" , which is a favorite of the girls when they wish to slander a guy, is now the topic of a very dangerous medical epidemic hell bent on wiping off half of Orissa's population.

"Why so serious"??? LETS PUT A SMILE on that face i decided(may God grant peace to Heath Ledgers soul)...and one evening when all the world was furiously scratching away at their lab records brains turning to jelly in the process , a devious plan was hatched by my ever notorious brain. I recollected that one of my uber cool friends Nishan Gantayat was suffering from flu since the morning.And everything fell into place at once.The cog wheels clicked and TCHING...my light bulb brain lit up with a brilliant plan.

OK once again people i never thought that my harmless joke would boomerang with such ferocity and the repercussions of a harmless joke would make me the public enemy number 1 amongst my female fan following.....
I had heard of Shakespheres famous quote .....HELL HATH NO FURY THAN A WOMAN SCORNED.....and i had dismissed it as one of the ever so many idiosyncrasies of a half bald bard....until that night.
You may have heard of gruesome stories of mobs lynching its unpopular leaders...well it was the same case with me...had i ventured anywhere near the New Hostel that day i would have been strung up by may sideburns and then pelted stones at.

Well back to the proceedings of that evening .......i typed out a message ...here are the contents

VSSUT ALERT: A Manufacturing Sc. student Nishan Gantayat has been tested positive for swine flu.He has been hospitalised immediately.Please take vaccines as soon as possible.
And i gleefully pressed the "send" option to my friends...but i tactfully avoided her sister...a move that lessened the brunt of the opprobrium(A last minute move)....
And then unawares of the domino effect i had created, i hurriedly scribbled a few more pages of my lab assignment before having dinner.(Once more a last minute effort guaranteed to get me a D in my labs)
And when i say domino effect i mean a real huge domino effect...the friends i had forwarded it to in turn forwarded it to their friends who in turn forwarded it to their friends....and rumour spread like wildfire among the six hostels.....people were shocked out of their wits....one moment they were lazing around in the balmy evening and the next moment they were on the brink of a major pandemic..

To describe that night as frantic is an understatement....it was utter chaos....phones started ringing off the hook and people converged at any place they could find to discuss such a serious issue.i even added that "Nishan had been dispatched to the hospital " to any one who called me up for conformation.The brouhaha that i had created gathered into a veritable snowstorm....the only topic of discussion was NISHAN AND SWINE FLU...left ,right and centre.The poor guy was having his dinner at a table and at the next table people were making plans for carrying him off to the hospital as soon as possible...truly a hilarious situation.

By and by the rumour died down...as people guessed that the message coming from a crackpot like me it was bound to be a hoax whose sole intention was to create chaos....but that was what i thought....

When the message reached NH it was like a MOLOTOV COCKTAIL...the moment it hit it burst out into a fire of controversy....wails could be heard for the poor guy...i was told that juniors , batchmates and seniors alike huddled together to provide consolation to her sister(who of course was nonchalantly going on with her work as she had already realised it was a prank).But her friends had already declared me public enemy number 1 , and brandished knives in the air baying for my blood....it was the fiercest vituperation form a girl who first called up to enquire about Nishan"s health that amazed me....Why was she so concerned was the million dollar question......

Of course Nishan was silently happy that i had played the prank so that he could bask in the outpouring of love form the NH.....and that too un-sisterly love....AAH ! Well the things i stoop to do for my friends.....

And the icing on the cake was my sweet friend Mridu who called up and let loose her well rehearsed anger on me...the torrent of words were so fast and she was so angry that she was literally on fire.And like any mischief monger, i was cool about my shenanigans...so cool that she banged the phone in frustration (they don't call me the ICEMAN for nothing)

So in hindsight i am proud to say that my sociological experiment worked and i can proudly say that i controlled DEMOCRACY WITH A CELLPHONE.....of course i avoided the proximity of NH for a few days and this hoax message did the rounds of our hostel a few more days before fading into oblivion.But it was the stuff of huge laughs at Bulu bhai's tea stall(My next blog)And the mawkish reaction of my female fan following resulted in this blog...thanks girls...waiting for your retaliation so that i can add it in my next blog...:) and for now iall i can wish my readers is OINK OINK and Nishan please get well soon....but don't worry ill type out a cool obituary for u in case you decide to kick the bucket........sorry Nishan you were just an unfortunate victim ....or should i say you were just a SWINE FLUKE.....:)

Cheerio folks

CLASSROOM CAPERS part 4

Ahoy there mates....yo ho ho and a bottle of rum ....the daily humdrum and ennui had turned my cerebral matter into jelly and had to resort to watching the hilarious antics of Captain Jack Sparrow to fire up my gray matter...hence the Pirate hangover...

"Oh god please kill me today so that i don't have to go to my class "has become a repeated incantation as i wake up every morning....and let an earthquake reduce the electrical department to shambles...has become a futile prayer as i have to grudgingly accept the fact that Burla lies well away from any sort of geological tummy upsets. Adding to the fact that near perfect grades of 9.83 have made a branchmate "Santanwa" fall in love with the branch and rouse professors from their afternoon siestas to take classes has been death knell to all my hopes of a lazy afternoon gracing the tea shop in my shorts.DAMN YOU i mutter every time i see her now a days.No hard feelings girl...just that your antics have made me lose my beauty sleep.

Savvy?? or should i give you a detailed account of my harassing experinces...Ok for all of my non college mates .....here goes..

Have you ever been to a place where you feel all your happiness has vanished , where the skepticism of your mind overrules the optimism of your heart, the very purpose of existence stands defeated, the dark cavernous halls resounding of the whispers of anguished souls whose wallowing misery remains etched on the walls(juxtaposed to the Paan spit)....

Remember how the DEMENTORS had an effect on a place in Harry Potter movies....have you ever been to a place where laughing and unbridled joy is condoned?? a place where gay abandon is blasphemy ...a place whose erstwhile traditions would asphyxiate you ....well folks welcome to our ELECTRICAL DEPARTMENT...and hey this is just the good side...the dark underbelly of our department is exposed only to us unfortunate lot of branch students.

The whispers of the dark hallways speak of untold misery, of hours of endless waiting for the ever elusive teachers to show up and sign a document(the holy grail of the secretaries)

When you walk from the chemistry department towards the electrical side , creativity and colour fades away...You enter a monochromatic world of starched iron collars, pressed formals and the leather stench of formal shoes.It is as if all happiness has been straitjacketed here and thrown out of the window.

If i would be given the opportunity to photo tag the deaprtment faculty along with the building then i would surely tag it as .........."DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS"

And one must have a resolute will, nerves of steel to stop the pangs of frustration from playing haywire with your mental wiring.Especially in the labs where the Godforsaken instruments have a mind of their own and refuse to yield to your repeated efforts and sometimes completely shut down after you have used a string of cuss words on them.

When i used to say that classes were dead boring in the second year, this years classes are draining . Between a tooth extraction and electrical classes i would choose the former.....Between a glass of hemlock and electrical classes i would choose the former, Between a lunch of squid soup and electrical classes i would choose the former.....just so that you get an inkling of how energy sapping the classes are.

And then the icing on the cake are the teachers of our department...if i would write about the idiosyncrasies of all our teachers then it would fill an entire encyclopedia..so i am just picking out a couple....

The best and the worst ....BB Pati and PK Hota.......one is the smiling assasin and the other is the Burla bomber...

If Pati is a sniper(silently picking his targets and proceeding to demolish their reputation), then Hota is a 50 caliber machine gun shredding everything in its path.

If Pati shreds your copy then Hota likewise shreds your reputation....It is like being on the sets of Godfather..ever waiting for the next volley of bullets , the next gunfight where you meet your end...getting out unscathed from their classes is akin to getting out of Pearl Harbour alive after the Japanese attack.And the list goes on. Pati relishes making your copy into an airplane.....an assignment defaulter would find his copy doing a pyrotechnics display in the air before landing unceremoniusly out of the door.And Hota proceeds to bludgeon every ounce of self respect and self esteem out of you.....You would feel better if someone molested you rather than getting an earful in his class.......

"YOU BALOONWALLAHS" being his latest form of abuse on us thick skinned back benchers...and we bear it all silently ..ever waiting for a chance of PAYBACK...after all Revenge is a dish best served cold ...one day divine justice will prevail and our hapless souls would get salvation from this vicious cycle of classes and abuse ....how i wish that day would dawn soon.Yet while we languish in our miseries....... every day feeling the same, the drab dull classes grinding on and on ...the girls of our section have shrugged off their plight and carry on with their daily routine, enjoying the rigors all the way.....my branchmate Shraddha has even earned the nickname of "Pilot" because of her ease in maneuvering through stormy classes and lab sessions.Her eagerness to attend classes showed that day when she took the pain of calling the teacher for a class...a blasphemy for the BBC and was almost downcast when classes were suspended that day.Last laugh ....BBC

For all us guys it has been a trying time lately....gone is the fun and revelry we used to have in second year, gone is the swashbuckling attitude towards classes...how i miss the IT students of 1st year......so for all ye readers who had hoped to find a more hilarious and action packed CLASSROOM CAPERS Part 4 i regret to inform you i may have to close this capers series and hence forth write under titles like THE ESCAPIST , THE HARASSED MIND, THE CLASSROOM REDEMPTION,I KNOW WHAT YOU DID AT THE LAST BENCH etc etc...

Cheerio folks and enjoy the last vestiges of fun and your afternoon siestas before class starts once again ..........Adios Amigos..